After 100 days, we know the Starmer speech by heart. Irrelevant biography; flat jokes; lists; graceless hypocrisy. Before he reminded us that Boris had once said “F” business (”a few choice Anglo-Saxon words”), SkyNews flashed images of a P&O Ferry next to him. All that was missing was an info-graphic of Captain Haigh walking the plank.
Awkward? Starmer makes Theresa May look convivial. Note that during his live-streamed chat with Eric Schmidt, ex-CEO of Google, he didn’t look at Schmidt when he was talking, but picked at his fingers or stared slack-jawed at the horizon. Had he listened, he might’ve heard Schmidt advise that the best way to go green is, in fact, to produce more energy – to speed up the transition to AI – or that rather than trying to get the right regulation, Britain should try to have less regulation.
I can’t see that catching on. The summit was being picketed outside by Angela Rayner, who walked out after discovering the sausages aren’t vegan. Under her new Employment Rights Bill, a worker is entitled to six weeks paid leave if they need to attend a Taylor Swift concert.
Later, the Chancellor Dalek descended into the summit from her lunar craft and implied, in the most diplomatic language possible, that “YOU WILL PAY MORE TAXES.” A man from JP Morgan ran for the exit and she shot him with her death ray. Britain is open for business. Resistance is futile.
One thing we have been doing, said the Prime Minister, “is to create mission delivery boards” because “if you’re going to do this, you’ve got to do it horizontally across departments”. Schmidt smiled at him benignly. He said: invest in AI, prime minister, and you’ll become so efficient “you can give twice as many speeches”. A frightening thought, but proof that Schmidt knows how to do business: work out what a man loves most, and sell him that.
