Andrew Zashin, an attorney specializing in family law and international family law, has spent over 30 years helping couples navigate the complex waters of divorce.
In a recent exclusive interview with Express.co.uk, he shared key insights into why middle-aged couples, even those who have been together for decades, often decide to part ways – and which errors are the most difficult to get past.
According to recent reports,while divorce rates among young adults are on the decline, they have skyrocketed among the 50+ couples, a 2022 study from The Journals of Gerontology by I-Fen Lin and Susan L Brown found.
Contrary to popular belief, Zashin says that infidelity is not the most common reason why couples decide to divorce.
“Most people assume that the primary causes of divorce are couples who naturally ‘grow apart’ over time and become disinterested in one another, or situations where one of the parties engages in some sort of extra-marital activity”, Zashin explained. “Infidelity is a prominent cause of divorce among middle-age couples, but contrary to conventional wisdom, it is not the primary reason why couples divorce.
“Most family law experts agree that the most frequent reasons couples decide to divorce relate to money. From my 30 plus years of practice I am certain that money related issues are the primary cause of divorce.”
Zashin describes how financial problems manifest in a variety of ways, that often lead to irreparable damage.
“Examples of money related issues that result in divorce include secret spending, hoarding, private gift-giving, hidden hobbies that might be ‘edgy’ like gambling or risky investments, vacations without the other spouse disguised as ‘work trips’, or pillaging of marital funds for undisclosed reasons.”
These financial secrets, often involving significant sums, are particularly damaging when they impact shared goals like retirement savings or children’s future funds.
“Unlike other activities, where trust is involved and can be rebuilt, the wealth accumulated after years of work and personal sacrifice, it is exceptionally hard to forgive and forget”, he said.
Mental health challenges, lifestyle differences, and the quest for independence can also play notable roles in the breakdown of middle-aged marriages, especially as these issues often intertwine with financial strain.
Differing expectations about retirement or travel, particularly when one spouse’s financial success shifts their outlook, can drive couples apart.
Beyond hidden financial activities, disagreements about career choices and lifestyle expectations also frequently lead to marital breakdowns. Retirement, in particular, can present unforeseen challenges.
Couples may find they are unprepared for the realities of spending unstructured time together, leading to further strain. Emotional disconnect is also a significant factor that contributes to divorce, particularly when couples have grown apart over the years.
“Married couples can grow apart and lose their emotional connection to one another. That is a sad, but real, fact,” Zashin explained. “What was good enough, what was nice, suddenly becomes inferior.”
Additionnally, an unbalanced power dynamic, most commonly found in heterosexual marriages that conforms to traditional gender roles, often leaves a wife to feel the need to separate.
“People don’t say, ‘I want to get divorced for my own personal growth,’ but they do say things like, ‘I am trapped, smothered, and suffocating in this marriage’.”
